A reason behind string of affairs

I used to be always on guard with my Mom.  And it had been like that since I had my first affair at the tender age of 13, as far as I allow myself to remember. But if I force my brain to think hard enough,  I was never comfortable or ever felt safe to express myself as a child in front of her. She had a temperament problem and getting married at the age of 17 in a large family didn't help at all.

While growing up, only physically now I am aware, I would somehow always find myself in a very painful and loathsome situation with her.  And this continued till I got married after a string of affairs with guys always few years older than me. 

I fought tooth and nail to marry the guy who is now my husband. Finally after 6 yrs of dreaming and weaving unrealistic stories of true love and unending romance I was with someone who according to my distorted perception would do a wonderful work of 'Loving' me. I had won.  I had escaped Hell and entered Heaven for once, mind you,  just for once.  Because what followed was such a shock that it sent me spiraling down the steep staircase of depression.  

All the majestic towers built out of my dreams and stories came crashing down. And all that was left was 'Reality' and 'I'. It was an experience which made all the pain suffered earlier seem like droplets of dew in front of the ocean of pain the 'Reality' contact brought in. I had escaped from one prison to land up in another. The only difference was that I had chosen this one. This mind you proved to be later a life saving realization.

This is what usually happens when we become addicts to escaping pain.  Our denial of the reality always finds other pastures greener than our own. We forget to stop and understand the pattern that we have created.  The pattern of everything changing and yet turning out the same in the end. You can't be on the run forever.  Your 'Fear of Pain' will catch up sooner or later.  Like it did with me.  And when it does your whole life is cut open and what exists is a gaping and festering wound. A wound which could have been tended to sooner with courage and trust in Self. 

It's ironical how what you look for desperately outside always exudes you. The more you become needy the more you are denied your Oasis.  And ultimately when you can't find respite outside and you are on the verge of giving up, something miraculous happens.  You are forced to go within. Within yourself.  And there you find what you have run after for so long.  There lying among your self created chaos is your ever present Oasis. But to reach there you would have had to face the fear that you were always escaping. You HAVE TO, for once hold your ground even it is as scary as dying.

It's this holding firm which finally led ME to 'LOVE' and 'ACCEPTANCE'. The two reasons that had me running desperately after all those guys and my husband and away from my mother. The only difference being that they were waiting for me not in the without but within!

And this gives me immense confidence to claim that if you are thirsty for your version of love and acceptance then you can find yours too in the same way.  Just don't be afraid to ask questions.  Ask for help. I did and was blessed with a Spiritual Teacher whose purpose is to help me grow into who I am.  She has challenged me to heal myself so that I could genuinely help people heal their wounds. We can only give what we ourselves have, to claim to give what you don't have is a lie. Everything required by you is already given. You just have to find your way back, And life is nothing but this journey.